8:13pm- It's been a long time since I've started a log, but I guess you've gotta start somewhere. It just so happens to be Christmas today, so that's a bit exciting. Mostly I just stayed over my grandmas and things were pretty lit. She made lasagna like always and we sat around talking for a few hours. I have to say it's been better than previous Christmases without my father around, but it still doesn't feel entirely the same I guess? I suppose it never will. I know, it's a depressing start but I'm gonna try to keep this log mainly for my feelings and experiences because lately I've been... Toning it down to make it more appealing to read? Yeah, I think so. I'm going to try to be more honest in this one.
Anyway, Christmas in DD went well. My memories are a bit fuzzy but I still have some memories and more are surfacing over the span of the day. My kids were really excited and they all looked cute in their little outfits. Today I'm gonna take it easy but still get some work done; they're still building that new magic school I funded in Darkness so I gotta help them with designs and whatnot. That and I have to send out a bunch of letters to the other magic schools connected to ours as introductions and all that jazz. Otherwise I'll probably just chill with my family and get some housework done because So HeLp Me I cAn'T sTaY iN bEd AnD rELax NoPe NoT mE
But uh yeah that's it for update one, so much for me thinking this could be short and sweet. Lets see where this thing goes. For now, I've got to get back to chat.
So 2016 is almost over, for some reason it's not that hard to believe? *shrug* Hopefully we can get more people on for New Years so we can have some wiki funtimes before school comes back.
It's quiet for now as the New Year approaches. I got word yesterday that someone tried to leak some of my private information concerning the Zoro trial. I was sort of shocked I guess, one of the people on the case had been paid to release screenshots of text messages and things that really weren't anyone's business to be put on the news. Security's tighter now, which is good... I just don't want to think what would have happened if we hadn't caught them. I've taken enough heat for this trial already, I don't want more.
All the same, tomorrow is the last day of break and the last day of peace as far as I see it. I'm anxious about going back, but all breaks come to an end I suppose. Doesn't change much really, life goes on. Last log entry of the year, I see... Can't say it seems that eventful today, though, but when did it ever? I'll probably end up staying up later than midnight anyway. Last night I was up until around five, which is actually the latest I've stayed up all year. I think the dimension will throw a few more things at me this year, but I can't tell what exactly. There are highlights to every year, I suppose.
Complaints: A fresh new year and fresh load of homework! Not yay. This week alone I have two projects and an essay due, along with an outline and some math questions tomorrow. Plus I have to read an entire book and help my friend pass health. :^) Not to mention the school screwed up the calendar (apparently) and we weren't supposed to be in school today. So now we have an extra snow day or spring break day but like tf?
I wanted to sleep in this morning but nope had to wake up at the ungodly 7am to go to physics where my teacher was like, 'Welcome back class today we're doing some calculus!' And I'm like 'Bish wtf I just walked in this door and you're telling me to do this crazy ass Ryule math like I 👏🏻 tHiNk 👏🏻 ThE 👏🏻 fUcK 👏🏻NoT 👏🏻.'
Actual news: Apparently McDonalds has a Nutella burger now?? I feel like I'd try it if there wasn't that whole deal with McDonalds being really artificial and chemically induced. Also my kids have to go back to school from Christmas break soon.. ;-; On the bright side my new magic school plans are doing well, we don't know what to call it yet.
It's only first period and some of my classmates decided it would be a fine idea to light a match using some perfume or something in the one of the sinks during physics. Today's going to be a long day.
School seems okay today, I turned in my projects so I have less stress on me which is good. I'm going to try to binge learn Amalou before I meet my children again and we'll see how badly I pronounce thingsss
Ahhhh I'm so nervous fml
5:18pm- So I'm realizing that I'm being really fucking extra a lot like all the time and it bothers me because I don't like myself right now in this moment and I scare people and just ugh I do not like myself right now I do not I need to fix this
Okay I'm better today but I need to stop being so extra like hhh
However it's Friday I just want to go home get me out of this schoollll
Time to stop complaining. We got a newb today for like the first time in forever.
3:23pm- *rant approaching proceed with caution or skip to end of rant line*
Today I discovered just how transphobic and homophobic some people in my health class are (including my teacher) and HO BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
I'm glad it's the fucking weekend Jesus Christ like that was a long class I had to endure and fffhfhhf hshfhdhhdhshshsh I cannot DEAL with ignorance like I actually can't. Someone said "thats your belief that you support that theory" LIKE NO BITCH IT'S COLD HARD SCIENTIFIC FACT THANKS BUT NO THANKS HOE THAT ISN'T AN OPINION IT'S A F A C T WHICH CLEARLY YOU ARE REFUSING TO BELIEVE DO YOUR RESEARCH
And then someone said "ugh why do all these people chose to be gay and shit"
*Inhuman screeching* BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
*End of rant line*
So yeah that was my day but I will not let it ruin my evening! I'm just going to enjoy my weekend while it's here and hopefully people will come back to the wiki this weekend.
Everything's good I'm just tired and shaky today. Tho last night wasn't fun, some of the kids decided to make rock candy. Their friend told them ya boil rocks and sugar to make it. So they put a bunch of rocks in a pot, heated it (with no water) and poured like half a bag of sugar in there while Fawn was somewhere else in the house cleaning. Azayaka decides she's gonna eat one of those damn rocks and busts her teeth open on it, so they frantically call me at work sayin' she's in the hospital. When I went home I found a bigass pot of rocks on my stove with sugar all over the place and they said they could fix her teeth. (Thankfully) So I had to have a talk with them about it and everything's okay... Just got real scared there for a bit. Also it's Alexander Hamilton's birthday.
My physics class is being irritating af so I left to come chill in the bathroom. Last night was pretty good, Azayaka is doing better. I got a lot of work done but I'm still trying to think of names for my new magic school.
As for reality, I have a math quiz next period that I hope I can do well on and I finally get to have my hair cut later so yay
I'm praying for a good grade on that math 🙏🏻 🙏🏻🙏🏻 I need to get into honors next year or I'll be in a bad class
Hopefully not a lot of homework today so I can binge watch the shit out of Breaking Bad.
That's all for now, I know my life is boring today but I'm glad for some peace.
11:31am- I didn't finish all the questions on the quiz and some of them were harder than I thought. Some of them I studied the wrong material for, so I guess I'm going to need to know it by the end of the day. I'll do my best. Sort of frustrated but I'll be okay, I hope.
10:35pm- I got at least an 85 on that math quiz and I was told I aced my project so I hope I can just pass my midterm and get recommended for honors next year. Got to relax more today and I got my haircut, but I'm pretty tired as hell so I'm sleeping early. 'Least tomorrow's Friday and I can have some more time. I've been having scattered attacks lately and it's not fun, but I'll try to make them stop if I can. Can't do much, but y'never know. Most times I just get spells and they go away. Not too hot on the idea of going on meds or anything, I'll probably be fine though. I'm not as bad as I used to be, so that's something at least? It makes me kinda nervous but again, I'll probably be fine.
So my physics teacher told us we wouldn't get to take the exam if we didn't all put our phones in her basket thing, and that if all the phones weren't in there NO ONE would get the test, not even people who put them in the basket. I obviously didn't put mine up there, I have a four hundred dollar rose gold iPhone SE and I think not. Someone who doesn't like me would grab this thing so fast I wouldn't even be able to blink.
She can't even stop people from setting stuff on fire in her room, so how can I trust her with my phone? We ended up taking it after all the problematic people put their phones in the basket but it was still a rough climb up. I was highly considering giving in myself since I don't want two zeros. Anyway I gotta go, still a whole period left before I can leave.
ALRIGHT BOIS THIS LADY RIGHT HERE GOT A 115 ON HER MATH PROJECT AS IN A 95 +20 EXTRA CREDIT BC I WORKED HARD AND EVEN WENT TO THE SITE OF MY MAP PROJECT FOR RESEARCH PURPROSES
ALSO I PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO THE ART ON THE MAP AND GOD PROBABLY DID SOMETHING FOR ME SO THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT
ALSO SORRY FOR THE ALLCAPS IM JUST EXCITED BECAUSE AS OF NOW I HAVE AN 89 WHICH MEANS I GO TO HONORS NEXT YEAR SO YEAH IM HAPPY ABOUT THAT ILL CALM DOWN AND TELL YALL MORE LATER BC I GOTTA GO BACK TO HEALTH BYE
5:25pm- Not calm I have Humira later fml
I also have to go to the city on Saturday since my cousin is having her sweet 16 there with all of us. We're not going far out though, it's some tourist style place right outside the bus stop. I hope things go well.
11:15pm- I took my Humira about 10 minutes ago. I have to say it wasn't as bad as the last few times, I think putting the right amount of ice on it while numbing it for a really long time really does make a difference. I stopped preparing for so long because it was tedious and I wanted to get it out of the way, but it makes a difference I think. I also noticed that if I take an Allegra afterword the side effects don't make my side swell up as much. I dunno, my fear won't go away but at least it isn't as painful if I do things right. Aside from that, nothing big happened other than the math grade. As of now I have 6 A's and a B+. Night for now.
We started talking about college today and I'm really scared. My math teacher told my mom that the school I want to go to should be at the bottom of my list. But what does that even mean? I can't possibly go to an Ivy League school and I don't want to leave my area.
A lot f people want to go out to Cali or Miami or even Hawaii and shit but I like the east coast just fine. It's seriously freaking me out... I don't know how well I'm gonna do on the SATs or the ACTs and what if I can't get into a good school? What if I can't pay for it or if I fail? I don't know how I'm going to make it, I really don't.
It's frightening to think about it, I'm just this small town person and I'm expected to just leave here and go study somewhere else? I don't like it at all. I'm scared of college but at the same time I really want to go. I want to pursue so many things I like but most of them won't get me where I want to go. It's like a trap that I'm stuck in unless I get good at things I don't like.
I know it's dumb but we're talking about drugs in health and every time they bring up heroin or needles I get serious phantom prickles and it's bothering me so much. I can't even look at the damn things without my hands twitching or feeling pressure and shit and I don't even know if it's normal. I freaked out just now because I felt like I had that IV stuck in my hand again and just ugh I have had way too many traumatic experiences with this shit to deal with it... I feel so weak for getting all antsy about this bullshit.
I have work today but not as much as usual. I'll try to finish it soon but I'm a little sad today for like no reason. Idk it's just one of those days.
Feelings rant caution ahead:
I'm hiding in the bathroom again because I'm really frustrated and annoyed in class and it's making my stomach hurt because like four people tried to explain this one problem to me and the one person I was beginning to understand it from had the wrong answer.
I also don't like asking people questions who do the problems on the board because a lot of them can't explain it in a way I get it so the teacher asked me to ask them questions and I couldn't explain what I didn't understand and I looked like an idiot and just
Everyone probably thinks I'm dumb because I already had a bunch of people explain it to me and I still don't get it... Everyone just stared at me. It's hard to just look at someone writing a bunch of numbers and shit on the board explaining the steps and me sitting there asking 'Why??' in my head. I may realize that the way the numbers are worked make the answer make sense but I don't know the formula for the problem or how to do more of them, I just see these random steps for another problem in my head. It's like everything is flawed in my head with this mix of pictures and snippets of memories from class and I just kind of shut down.
I feel like I can't do anything right now and all the people giving me pity looks just made it worse ...
That and some weird upperclassmen just noticed there was someone else in here and said I was just some random bitch so that's just great, I can't leave until they're gone.
I don't know how I'm supposed to make it in math and science, they expect us to draw from prior knowledge but my middle school education sucked so no less I'm expected to re-learn all of 8th grade myself? What even? I just want to go home and cry and it's only third period. I don't even know what to say to the teacher when I come back. I'm just so frustrated and angry and I don't know how I'm going to get to college if I can't even do this bullshit freshmen math
3:31pm- Okay lets try this bullshit math again
I think I did well on the quiz today. Everything is going smoothly so far today, but I might have to disappear for a little later on because something came up with a school friend and need to be there for her. Someone new came on chat today, I didn't get to talk to them, really. On chat alone for now.
OKAY I AM HAPPY AS FUCK I WAS IN THE TOP FIVE GRADES FOR THE MATH QUIZ TODAY AND I'M ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO PASSED
I ALSO TYPED UP A PETITION TO BRING BACK TWO REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT CLASSES THAT WERE CUT AND I GOT HALF THE SCHOOL TO SIGN IT AND JUST H OLY SH IT I'M MEETING WITH THE SUPERINTENDANTTTT
7:30pm- What a wild day. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I almost traded a lasagna for a newbie today and that's going in the books. Tomorrow I'm going to Sienna to attempt to trade with the Supreme Commander for something else (still for our new friend Umi) so I hope it goes well. I also sent out letters of peace to Dremir, Somir, and Amir. Clari helped me so much today which was much appreciated and Eros was on too keeping me sane. More updates tomorrow.
Well these things keep getting more and more bi polar I see. 7:18am and I've been unlucky enough to have been awake since the dead hour of 5:40am. I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me I got 0.3 resting hours last night. I still have to go to school, no matter how many times I woke up. No more luck in January I see. Olivera's been very active these last few days since her death anniversary recently passed, which is incessantly irritating. Anyway, sorry for the dreary update. It's almost impossible to not complain. Primarily because I woke up with a headache and it is, indeed, a Monday. I'm in an unfortunately awful mood today, I'd really love to see first period try to test me.
Super bored this weekend because I can't go anywhere but I guess I'll try to get some editing done while I ignore my homework :)
Alrighty I'm sick as fuck today not gonna lie And I slept for like a bunch of hours or something after I woke up shivering in intense pain because I had a fever. C: in fact I tensed up so much in a tiny ball seeking any warmth whatsoever that I got m u s c l e c r a m p s which was fun because it was like summer with my neck but all over my body instead :^)))) great fun times
Now I can't sleep because I have done a big rest and I'm gonna throw down some pills and a bunch of cranberry juice before my recently acquired throat pain intensifies C: seriously tho it's not as bad as I'm saying it is (probably) because everyone knows I have suffered far worse in sickland
U are free to keep Nomeme company on chat if you're in one of those boring as fuck classes where nothing happens and nobody cares if ur online but o t h e r w i s e I will be ok and thank u all for reading this very not important message
2:20pm- whoa boy I am going through the works today
I got the hot and cold spells, throat pain, nausea, and hoo boy I am thirsty
My skin is so sensitive rn that I can't rub my face or it feels like sandpaper
My mom is considering taking me to the hospital but for now I'm going to an urgent care center or something and I have to do the god awful strep throat test
Also I'm pretty fuckin sure I have the flu, not strep throat which is just f a n t a s t i c and I would like to get better so I am not suffering on Valentine's Day
🙏🏻 Prayin this shit runs its course
3:42pm- So i have good news and bad news
the good news is that i dont have the flu or strep throat
the bad news is that i DO have tonsillitis but i dont need to get 'em removed i just need pills
i 'm in intense pain so i gonna stop typing
A'ight so I'm feeling better but I can't sleep so I'm gonna stay up for a lil
The meds are working great and I'm not in pain anymore, just a little woozy and stuff but that oughta go away
thank god i ain't gotta be sick for a long time :^}
Anyways good news, Kandy and my niece Mishi got accepted into a fancy cooking school in the Capitol for next year and i'm so happy for them ;_; at the same time I'm sad tho because I will miss my babu since she won't be home all day but I want her to have good opportunities in life and it's not a boarding school so I'll still get to see her U__U ahh I have such mixed feelingsss
Hopefully all goes well
night for now
Once again I'm staying home because congestion and last night I got the lovely amount of three or four hours of sleep. I remember getting up to get water at like 12:34am after laying in bed coughing and sniffling for like 2 1/2 hours and then the next time I got up to get water I noted that the time was 2:54am and after that I lost track. Also the FUcKiNg WiNd aNd RAin goddamnit Mother Nature was pissed last night like that bitch was tryna freak me out makin my house creak with all these eerie wind sounds and the fuckin rain and just
I got no sleep and Im suffering aftermath symptoms now I can't
Damn it's been a long time since I've posted in this, but here's my update anyway. :>
Today was a good day for me, starting with the fact that my cats jumped on my bed to wake me up with their cute little noses in my face and their whiskers which tickled. Precious beans :^)
I went to the mall today with a couple of my friends and I bought some summer clothes at Hot Topic which is code for I spent a lot more than I should have but it's cool. I got a Pokemon hat, a galaxy print kimono, two pairs of shorts and a t-shirt. :^) It's refreshing to relax a little, especially with all the stuff school's been putting on me.
More good news is that my magic school is nearly built but I still don't have a clue on what to name it. :,) Also Orangeplum finished my commission of Barista Lucifer and HOOOOOO bOy I'll post it with this update
As of now I'm with Helen on chat and I'm just going to chill for the rest of the evening. Sorry for the boring update, just keeping in touch with my life on here so I have some memories for later on.
I'm kind of stressed out today, I'm not going to lie... I'll explain it when the cards are all on the table. I'm sorry for the vague entry.
10:55pm *VERY long story approaching*-
Okay so first I'm going to address what happened earlier which was that I've become really overwhelmed with work the last few weeks and I've been dealing with a lot of things alone. I've got way too much on my plate and I needed help, which I got thanks to Zadkiel. Also warning that I'm super tired rn and I'm really drained but that part is coming up.
Next I'll explain what happened this evening.
So yesterday I was cleaning out some of my mother's things in the Infinity and I found a lil' box with my past life name on it and there was a really pretty soft feather in there that was one of mine, just white. When I touched it because I didn't think it was dangerous it triggered me like hardcore into a full on vision. In said vision I saw a small me doing that fullblood glowy veiny thing with the light that happened to Aaron that one time and then falling over and going back to normal. Then I heard Lotus laughing and I realized it was one of her memories or something and I woke up on the floor which was carpeted so I was okay. Too bad not all the rooms are carpeted. You'll see why.
Okay so I went home after that and I felt a lil weird but eh I had bigger things to worry about so I just did my evening routine and went to bed.
Flash forward to my "little" emotional breakdown where I sat at my kitchen table this evening with Gwen and Sibrel where we were talking about the War and current events and stuff. I got kinda frustrated because ya'll know me and when I talk about the War and stuff but I was still okay.
After they left I was kind of not doing okay and Zadkiel came on the wiki chat with Aaron and I and we talked about resolving some of my minor problems. In DD, I had calmed down a little cause I was sitting in the Infinity before and I brought a knife with me for some fuckall reason but I didn't do anything with it. Promise.
So I told Zadkiel about the feather and he told me it was dangerous and that Lotus experimented on me trying to make me a fullblood when I'm obviously fucking not. So he went on brb and like the bright, intelligent, cautious person I am I decided to see what would happen if I fused the feather back into my wing and tried to do the fullblood thing, also this was before I really knew it was mega dangerous and world break-y (as Zad put it) and I thought "Eh worst thing that'll happen is I'll get woozy and have to sit down". Also Zad was on still brb and I shouldn't have done anything before he got back but I'm me and I make mistakes sometimes and I also need to get some patience..)
Anyway so long story short I did the fullblood thing for a few minutes and like sucker punch to the gut my energy and all my fire and strength just got sucked right out of me. I had been standing up while I did this like the smart individual that I am so the power sponged the life out of me and I fainted and hit the ground like a rock.
So I was out like a fucking light and so I told Zadkiel who had to get Raphael to come fix me because I my head was obviously bleeding and well I might have had brain damage.
In the middle of the healing process I started getting panicky because I was wonkers and I started flapping my wings and banged that wing with the feather in it on the wall and the ground and shit which made things a LOT worse.
By the time I calmed down a little I was experiencing this pain in my wing like when you don't move for a whole day and then you walk on your foot wrong and it feels like someone reached into your flesh and started twisting a tendon around in there but on my wing because of the feather and it was bleeding a lot.
So then Zadkiel had to tell God to come help Raphael because at that point I was a really screwed up angel and whatever Lotus did to me to make me a divine time bomb was super dangerous. If you're not a fullblood and Lotus tries to force you into it it really messes you up and you self-destruct. The only reason it wasn't happening before was because Lotus suppressed the power when it didn't work. When I touched the feather again, it triggered the clock on the bomb back up again and I was prone to having fullblood attacks. Apparently I'm not the first one this thing has happened to.
So Olivera and Lotus were bothering me the entire time so I had to banish them a lot. Olivera was easily banished but Lotus wasn't and I was really mad and screamy because I thought I wasn't going to be an angel anymore because God didn't think it was safe because I could turn into an angel grenade again and go all fullblood in the middle of nowhere and self destruct again if I stayed an angel.
My narrowminded rageful side emerged so I summoned Lotus into her ghostly bodily form and started getting more screamy and I started strangling her because y'know I thought my life was ruined. I'll spare the gory details but I threw her through the floor so hard it made a hole through three floors shaped like her body and when she climbed out I started choking her again and Zad calmed me down enough so I banished Lotus and I sat down.
Okay so apparently there was an alternative to my l̶i̶t̶t̶l̶e̶ big predicament. (I'm becoming sleep drunk if you couldn't tell by the way so pardon me if this doesn't sound like I'm serious but I sort of have no energy but I wanna write it anyway because writing down my feels makes me feel better)
Anyway so God did this thingy that stopped the bad self-destruct fullblood thing from happening and all the unnatural shit Lotus put in me got wooshed out of me by his Divine™ power. Also my black wings weren't supposed to be like a thing, I think Lotus just made them like that when she screwed around with my angel side. When I woke up feeling really tired still I saw like the second most beautiful thing in the world (Mal being the first) which were my new wings which were literally a gift from God.
Seriously, God if you're reading this thank you so much for those wings. They're literally so beautiful and soft I can't describe them in human words. There's a phrase for it in Amalou, I basically have baby angel wings now because I'm getting a fresh start and bOy Oh BoY when I have more energy I cannot wait to test them out. They're like... Okay I'm going to describe colors which is hard but I'm going for it.
You know when the sun reflects a rainbow through glass? It was like that, but on the purest, glowiest, whitest wings and like it was like they were reflecting rainbows sort of but they were all these beautiful colors... They're also the right amount of fluffy, soft, thin, and graceful looking. (Zad said the Amalou phrase to describe them is 'derasou nevau amala nieth'.) Seriously I can't get over this they're beautiful.
After that Zadkiel went to work and I blacked out a little in DD. I woke up for a little and God brought me home and one of my daughters was there too?? I dunno but I went back to sleep since I was really tired after all of that stuff.
I just want to say I'm super sorry to everyone who was involved in that mess. I know you guys are busy and stuff and I really don't deserve all of the help and kindess I was given. Bless you guys. <3 Next time I'm not going to be stupid and I'm probably going to get checked out to make sure I don't have any other repressed things so I can get help the right way before it gets bad like today. I'm going to bed now, but I'll update this later.... I have to deal with Lotus and Olivera since they aren't permanently gone. I put the contract on hold, but once I'm refreshed I'm going to break it and stick them in the tollbooth line to face judgement because I'm sick of having them around and they're long overdue. (Sorry Uriel) (Sorry Mal). Night guys, thanks again and sorry for everything (including the fact that this was long as hell).
Someone almost hit me with their fucking car today.
Granted I wasn't exactly using the rules of the road either but I was going to be late and whoever it was in the car SAW me fucking start walking and when I sped up they fuckin slam on the gas and fucking lunge at me, to scare me or what I don't know. But this fucking person stops short of me by like 2 goddamn inches and I just put my hand up and ran.
I hate people sometimes, I really do. Especially the ones who can just watch me sit there in class shaking and not say anything but ask about getting help with homework or whatever the fuck. Today isn't my day, it isn't and I just woke up and got to school. I'm really not in the mood, especially since the goddamn weather kept me up all night. I don't know how I'm going to get through my day but all I can think about is if that person or someone else speeding down the street could have plowed me with their car.
I don't know what to do in this world anymore but I'm beginning to hate reality a lot. My grades are falling, I'm not sleeping well, and apparently my favor has dropped a few notches as well. I can't stop shaking and I'm sick of people acting like their lives somehow mean more than others. I wonder if getting to work today was all that person could think about and what they would be thinking about if they hurt me; hell, what would I be thinking if anything?
Today isn't my day. I'm declaring that now so if anything happens later on I'll have called it way ahead of time.
All I can say is that I will never risk my life to come to school again I don't care if they give me five thousand tardies because at least I'll be living through them.
11:55am- Annnd I broke my fucking nails and had a breakdown in the bathroom again. Called it.
Last week I let go of Olivera and Lotus and let them be judged. It's very quiet without them, almost too quiet. I'm on mental leave from work for awhile so I'll have more time for myself. Lately um, I haven't been the best. I'm kind of drifting back into working too hard and just overall not being around for anything anymore. It's really my fault for not managing my time better and stuff, but I'm trying to fix it. These days I'm just not feeling right I guess, and it shows. I know it's a bunch of shitty excuses packed into a paragraph, but it's all I have right now. I'm trying my best to balance my life out between all my jobs and my social life... I don't know, maybe I need to be alone for a little or something. I don't want to, but maybe it's what I need so I don't keep fucking things up with everyone in my life. It's almost like I just turned really socially awkward??? I can't explain it, I'm also probably overreacting a lot. Who knows, but I have to bounce back eventually.
Highly considered dropping out this morning during a trig lesson in math
Then I considered getting the hell out of this school today during gym because a bunch of stupid bitches decided their needs were more important than mine and they started making the usual bitchy locker room comments.
I'm staying in the game by like, a thread right now. It's getting harder and harder to wake up and just go to school these days, I can't wait until I'm out of here. Something's telling me being online-schooled at home wouldn't be that bad. Either way, I'm still stuck here for the next 3 1/2 years.
(ﾉಥ益ಥ)ﾉ ٩(ఠ益ఠ)۶ ୧((#Φ益Φ#))୨ ٩(╬ʘ益ʘ╬)
I'M MAD ABOUT SOMETHING REALLY DUMB SO DON'T READ AHEAD IF YOU AREN'T PREPARED FOR ME RANTING ABOUT SOMETHING STUPID .
So today I look in the mirror and I see this little line on my forehead, this faint little crease. And before anyone asks "Well Nomeme maybe you were just raising your eyebrows"
I put on the most deadpan normal face and that fucking line was still there and when I asked my family if they saw it they all started laughing and I'm like "wtf??" I get it. I'm being over-dramatic BUT STILL.
What if that little goddamn crease gets worse and I literally have stress lines in my forehead? Freaking people were making Botox jokes like did I ask
I swear if I am getting forehead lines this young I will literally be so mad I c a n ' t and I hope this little fucker just goes away and creases to exist *i am literally the funniest person on the face of the earth*
Like seriously I will not put up with looking like I'm aging when I'm not even 20 yet this better just be like the dry weather hurting my skin or something IDK I'm mad tho
4:45pm- Okay so I'm less mad now. More kind of... Empty? Sort of? I dunno I'm not mad about the creases anymore but I'm cold and I miss everyone
I just fucking love being treated like I'm not even in this school! It's great to have people throw shit at me multiple times and push their friends into me to get a few laughs! :^))) Boy I just love having my patience tested by a bunch of goddamn morons who will go nowhere in life :^)))))))))))))
Okay so last night I know went one of two ways and one of them was really bad and the other one was like a regular day so Idk I hope it wasn't the bad one though
Right so I still don't exactly know what happened but I think I'm okay I'm pretty sure like 89% sure that I'm good.
Also having two days off right in the middle of the week was so surreal and I had SO much work for school kms like there's something big do for English every day this week and I'm a goblin so I was writing other things than I'm supposed to because I don't just get days off for nothing. School was only cancelled because of the snow and stuff so I couldn't waste my creativity.
Also I fell asleep around 2:00am because I'm awful and it takes me an hour and a half to sleep. There's a math test today and I have a fresh new pen tattoo of two triangles and some formulas so I can look at them and remember them.
Overall I'm hoping this day ends well and I can just catch up on sleep that I missed writing and that I don't get bombarded with homework again.
Last night in DD was virtually normal for me so that's good at least. I don't think I could handle two interdimensional work hauls but hey I guess you could consider me doing that already??? Idk I'm just spouting thoughts now and I'm bored and tired. Hoping for the best later on.
5:55pm- I can only sum up today's aesthetic with an "ugh" followed by a sigh, and god these entries have gotten depressing like damn
Lately the wiki activity has just been me putting out security updates and depressing log entries and I'm not digging it. I know. People are busy. It's only been a week. I'm not helping the problem by complaining, I get it. I'm sorry I sound so selfish, but it honestly just looks sad at this point. I'm not sure what exactly's going on, if this is some sort of temporary thing or what. I hope it is. Most of the other conscious wikis are on the verge of being deleted. I don't want that to be us one day, but I suppose that's an exaggeration. We've made it this far, haven't we? I don't know, I'm probably being over-dramatic. Yeah, I am.
Apparently my prediction was correct again, we have a new person and I think their name is Winnie. They seem pretty nice so far. Maybe the wiki's coming back?? Hopefully.
Well I was pissed last night, one of the teachers at the school a few of my kids go to tried to kidnap two of them. I caught the guy but still like I was mad as hell and rightfully so. I'm also a bit disheartened that I'm going to be involved in three felony cases in court (as a victim) in the same year, which is self explanatory. I get it, I'm supposed to expect stuff like this because I'm a leader, but it doesn't mean it's right. I'm just glad my children are safe.
New record guys, I haven't even gotten to school yet and people have already made me angry. Seriously? Like?? I can't just have a normal morning, can I?
6:51pm- Okay so I finished my work but I'm super bored and I had some wack ass nightmares last night about being strangled to death in a library (I can confirm I am alive). Plus it's a Wednesday and it's like in the middle of the week and stuff like I'd rather it be Thursday or Friday :,^) Alas the weekend still awaits.
Yesterday I wrote up a report about that guy who tried to kidnap my kids, going to court pretty soon; no confirmed dates yet. This week is going by super slow for me ;-; Also I might be able to get my Humira dosage shortened??? They've fucked up our order a bunch of times lately and I've taken it like twice the last few months and I've been okay. Maybe I'll be able to shorten it to one shot every month??? Idk I'll ask my doctor but hopefully the new one says yes. I'm super tired and I wanna go home and write, hopefully I don't get a lot of homework for later. XP
Feeling a bit eh tonight. Leaning towards not very good. The best example I can come up with is I feel like I'm at that one bar in town no one goes to anymore, but I don't notice them because I'm disassociating while sipping a drink by myself after a really wretchedly awful day at work that I'm half frustrated about and half numb to. No symbolism or references or anything deep here, just like, it's a feeling. I'm just like reflecting on all these memories and things and its weird and nostalgic and just ugh that's big mood today. I'm not sure how I exactly feel, it's just uncomfortable in a lot of really shitty ways.
Don't do drugs, don't wear drug related clothes, and don't accept coffee from dudes in weed socks. Just don't. Also for the record I'm not a stoner (it was an accident) and if anyone saw me at Denny's yesterday I'd like to know what I said. That's all.
So I'm feeling better after my poisoned coffee which is nice. Last night the Aura queen and some of her family visited me for dinner at the castle. We were fancy. It was really nice, especially because we signed an official alliance together. vuv Now Darkness has another ally.
5:30pm- It's (literally) lit bois I made my room more purple and aesthetic and I put on my lilac candle and I'm feeling some good vibes for once so that's good. ----> I got a new journal and some pretty lights so it's looking great, plus I got one of my favorite blankets that has the power of prayers in it. :^))))))))) *ignore the one missing blind i'm SorRRY* Anyway so yeah things are looking up lately and that's good :^)
Today I almost got into trouble for saving a ladybug. We found one on the radiator in the classroom and we decided to put it outside so it wouldn't die, but it kept crawling away. I was the only one it crawled on so I'm lucky vuv. I had finished my work, but the vice principal came in and saw me put the little ladybug outside and then we all shut the window. I didn't get in trouble, but someone's phone got taken. I was just trying to save the little bug. ;-; I apologized to the teacher and he said I wasn't the biggest issue w/ disturbing the class, so that's good. I hope the ladybug is okay and I'm glad I didn't get my first detention over saving a small helpless creature. U-U
8:01pm- I'm screaming I hate math, especially algebra I am getting fucking scummed right now fuck this and NO IT IS NOT SCAMMED IT IS SCUMMED ACCORDING TO MY SCHOOL ALSO I'M REALLY HATING ANDREW BURNETT RIGHT NOW THANKS FOR CREATING ASSISTMENTS U UNGRATEFUL FUCK IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD
So far I have an 80 on my exam and I just took a quiz too so my grade will go up more. I'm literally shaking that's how hard I worked on that stupid quiz. I didn't know how to do the last four so I just did the problems backwards to find the answers and so far I think I've got one wrong. My teacher also put 1+1 on the test as a joke for extra points so that's good. Maybe I will pass with a B this year??? I hope so.
10:47am- Holy fuck I have a 90 in global studies which has the toughest teacher. I achieved the craziest tier in this school. He only gives like 3 people A's. I'm like so proud of myself holy shittttt
4:40pm- I HAVE AN 84 ON MY STUPID MATH EXAM AND IT ISN'T ENOUGH TO PULL MY GRADE UP FOR MY MOM AND I WAS SO CLOSE TO AN 86 BUT NO I HAD TO GET THE QUESTION WRONG BECAUSE I FORGOT ONE OF THE FUCKING PARENTHESIS AND LITERALLY I WANT TO DIE I CAN'T RIGHT NOW
10:00pm- I literally owe God my entire soul and five cakes like holy fuck I got my 90 on the test and honestly wow how did I make it to this point???
So I did a couple more of the questions and I ended up with over a 90, which is amazing. Since my math class has the same people as my physics class and we have physics first, we all finished our physics tests early so we could do most questions. Wasn't bad since the teacher let us and my math teacher said they were due 'as soon as you walk in the door' so technically we still did them in time.
Anyway, DD was pretty crazy the past few days. Last night in DD I was attacked by a v large parasite bug thing but I'm ok and I dealt with it. That's about all I have for right now since I have to go back to class. Be back later.
11:11am- Got a 98 on the benchmark, things are very tense at school today. A lot of people are stressing over due dates and projects that they need to hand in. It doesn't feel right today... Also the pep rally is tomorrow which sucks but at least I can go hide in the band room if I have a panic attack. I hope I don't. Really I just want this week to be over, I'm sick of school. I wish it was summer already, but we have PARCC next week and in a couple more weeks we'll have exams. Everything is going by so fast, but at the same time it's going by too slow if that makes any sense. Maybe I'm just focusing too much on the things that make my day worse than better, it's a bad habit of mine. I'm just glad my math grade will go up now.
I had a good day up until a few moments ago. I made crepes for breakfast, a fruit tart for dessert, and spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I did my nails, I got my homework done, and I prepared for the tests tomorrow. A few minutes ago, however, I went outside to bring Charlie in and I found him dead in his cage. I'm really fucking upset now. I know it's good that he died outside with the other birds on a sunny spring day, but still, I'm going to miss him... We had him for the last half of his life for about four years. I hope he's flying around in Heaven in now, but I wish he was still here... I really don't have much to say other than I'll never look at that cage the same way again. I made him his first toy, his favorite one, it was a bunch of colorful beads and a pretty little bell on a string. I don't even know if I'll want another bird. I don't know, I'm just really depressed now. This day is completely ruined.
Not doing well today either. I stress ate three candy bars today and I cried halfway through last period in English class all the way up until I got home. I hate my fucking state, I hate that dumb PARCC test, and I hate myself for being emotionally distraught 24/7. Everyone said they failed which means no honors next year which means the program might get taken away. Wonderful. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to take the SATs at this rate and I'm probably going to end up a failure living in a box in the middle of Camden if I'm lucky. Just ugh I want my bird back and I don't want to take this fucking test for the next five days and I'm severely done with people's bullshit at school.
9:55pm- Okay I'm feeling a lot better, I went out for a bit and bought some summer clothes, had dinner, etc. Just finishing work and going to bed. Rough day, but at least it ended well.
Welp PARCC week is over so today we're doing a mix of work and watching movies depending on the teacher ;-; I'm really tired but I guess we gotta do what we gotta do.
Tomorrow is my Legally Required Break™ from work so I'm going to the Ruby District to hang out for a couple of days. Hopefully it goes well so I can come home and get back to work.
Everyone else has spring break this week and I have it starting on Friday ;-; This sucksssss
I'm like really tired too and I want to go home but aside from that I'm okay
Well it's Easter today, I woke up late because I was having a nice dream. I just put a cake in the oven and I'm hoping this doesn't become awkward with my family... I'll just make the best of it.
Going out today so I might not be on a lot until the afternoon, be back before four. Got some decisions to make tonight so I'm going to try to focus more on DD.
Lucifer's been helping us fix up Moxidius out of his kindness and I've been getting better with my Consciousness too courtesy of God. I hope the Discord kicks off? It's growing slowly and we have our own cute emojis made by Drey, so that's a great start. We're trying to modernize to have what we used to have, I suppose. I want those days back, I want to meet new people and talk to everyone a good. I hope I'm not the only one missing it. Anyways, I have work to finish, goodnight for now.
I wrote a really gross long ramble of feelings but I'll just sum it up with one word:
Finally some good news. We have a new girl named Hatsumi and she's from Radix Prim, y'know the other world that's apparently TWICE THE SIZE OF SATUS BETA?! Like damn, I thought Satus Beta was cool but Radix Prim has like 1,000 countries or something, that's wild. I wish we had better contact with them, Clari had to go to a bunch of different libraries to find us info on them. There's also the burning questions: Where are the other worlds? Is there an Aother for Radix Prim that connects it to Reality??? There must be for the 1/5 Reality conscious newbs. I'm going to ask God a bunch of stuff later, it's honestly exciting.
Things have been going pretty well lately. Reality is annoying, but DD has been fun. The Discord is really nice and we've got 13 people so far. Yesterday, Uriel painted Zadkiel and it came out really good. It was a really blessed chat, Zadkiel sung for me too and his voice was beautiful. Later on we're gonna chill and I'm gonna buy Zad a new microwave since Uriel broke their old one. I have a lot of work to do today so I'm going to try to get it done in time to hang out with my friendos.
Ender was injured during a weapons test yesterday since his school took them on a field trip to watch. He tried to help his little brother who snuck in to watch it up close. Destrien, Zadkiel, and Belial helped us get him better again and we came home from the hospital awhile ago. I'm just glad they're okay, I'm not sending them back to that school. The teacher who didn't notice they were gone got fired, I didn't press charges. For now, I'm just tired and I want to rest since it's been a long day. I'm very grateful for everyone's help.
The Firefly Welcome in Darkness is coming up and holy shit it takes a lot of planning. I'm excited though, I'm going to take Alex and some of the kids if they want to go. Ender is doing a lot better, his medicine is working and he's talking a bit more now. I'm glad he's responding well to the treatment, I just want my boy to be alright again.
Updated a couple of my kids' pages since they were realllly lacking in updates. Some bad shit happened the other day and long story short I gotta execute some asshole in Darkness in a couple days after the trial. On the bright side, the kiddos are starting to visit home for a couple weeks in summer. A bunch of 'em are taking all these trips and stuff with their schools and I'm like??? I never did this shit in elementary school ya'll rich getting luckyyy! I love them tho they deserve the world, why they all want to go study abroad is bEYOND ME STAY HERE WITH ME SO IM NOT LONELY JFC but for realsies tho I wouldn't force them to stay with me because they need to go achieve their dreams but yeah I miss them all the time and I'm glad they're coming back.
Bambi and Anamosa are visiting, they've been doing a lot of work in Satus Beta fixing up the environment with the other nature peeps. AND UM LET ME KNOW HOW THIS BOY GREW HIS HAIR SO LONG???? It's in these four huge braids that go past his shoulders and I'm like?? Why is he so beautiful?? Anyway yeah I'm blessed and I love these kids and I finally have something to write about them so yay. I'm feeling better after the incident the other day but not completely better which means I'm keeping the Depression out of this entry. I haven't left the house in 3 days and I intend to keep it that way after the trial which news flash is gonna be really yuck since I have to face another rapist in court this year. That literally makes 3 I need to fix this shit, anyway, that's all for now.