If you are having a very nice day you may not want to read this. It's mostly just depressing drabble. Also I wrote this at roughly 10:30 at night so please excuse any incoherrent parts. If you do read this, thank you then, because I appreciate you ruining your day for me ;)
I haven’t exactly been feeling all that in touch these days. Mostly I haven’t been on due to piling excuses that just sound ridiculously stupid the moment they leave my lips. I won’t bother listing them now, but they involve last minute vacations, getting lost in Wales, medication and divorce. This whole month I just wanted to lay in bed, my bed back at my flat that my mum and my brother and I lived in. Like old times. Like I was still a painfully socially awkward idiot who was going to change the world starting with a small Wiki and its pitifully sized community.
I terribly miss those days sometimes. They were so simple and that simplicity brought beauty. It made me love every single small change. It made me an eager moron.
I sometimes want to be an eager moron again. But part of me also wants to keep being the respectable, yet forever third, Englishman. Part of me also never wants to spend nights thinking up schemes to grab people’s attention ever again. I used to that, truthfully. Back when we were still quite small I would fill whole notebooks with click bait. I wanted to keep the Wiki alive for Dreyus’ sake, because as much as she never admitted it, it was all she had. But I’m not here to talk about her demons, she’d probably bludgeon me to death if I did.
That’s something that I think drew us together as friends. We were always so reclusive and liked to bottle everything up inside of us, even when we had no room left. We would cram more secrets and tragedies in, slamming our ribs shut hard in an effort to contain them. But sooner or later something would fall out, whether it was through a small slip of the tongue, or a small event that caused a chain reaction. We still do that, her more than me.
But quite honestly I’ve long run out of room, so I just thought I’d take a few things out to make space for more to come. I’m mostly getting rid of things by crying a lot, sometimes in front of people and sometimes alone. Mostly it’s in front of people, to my dismay. I think the first full week of June broke my ribs a little, because these days when I try to shut something up inside it ends up poking out no matter what I do. The only way I can really fix my ribs, fix that emotional cage, is to sit down and just get emotional. Then eat ice cream. But I can’t do the latter without doing the former. So here is me doing the former.
I’ve kind of been walking in circles around what’s really taking up space and it’s about time I took a deep breath and put it on the table. I know everyone considers me the editing drill sergeant and the wiki’s walking publicity stunt (Oh wow, look, a pun) but the only reason I do it is because I want you guys to stay. I’m afraid of this place falling apart. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m not sure if you know what it feels like to be alone while surrounded by people, but that’s how I feel. I see all of your accounts and all of your past contributions, but when I look to the present all I see is a whole lot of nothing. No one is on, no one is editing, no one is commenting, no one is showing me they’re hear. So I end up feeling like I’m alone and in desperation I make something witty or bold to make you all laugh and wander back. Over and over. Rinse, wash, repeat.
This time I don’t want to be a sergeant. I don’t want to make this a stunt. I want to be sincere and I want to be final. I want this to be something you won’t brush off, something you won’t forget. I want to empty out my insides, because they aren’t filled with organs, I’ve long thrown those away. They’re just filled with all these secrets, and wishes, and terrible memories. I want to dump everything out and instead start cramming in beautiful memories. I want to one day open up my ribs to put in another memory and get upset when I find out I can’t fill myself with any more joy because I have too much.
I want to be able to say I’m too happy. I know that sounds impossible but it’s what I want. I want to be grossly happy, just for once.
And what would start making me happy would be to see my friends and know I’m not alone. So please show me I’m not alone.